[personal profile] flexibeast
Although i have a profile on AdultMatchMaker, i rarely get any bites. Particularly not since i updated my profile to state that i tend to prefer to converse with people a bit in order to determine whether or not i'm sexually attracted to them.

Some have suggested that part of the reason for this - apart from the fact that i'm a dual-gendered transgenderqueer1 :-) - might be because i'm not part of a couple. i do, of course, note in my profile that i have three partners, with whom i'm in open, honest, polyamorous relationships; and there's no issue with me playing with other people without any of them being involved. Many couples, however, prefer to play with other couples, so unless someone is willing to make the extra effort to ask whether one or more of my partners would be willing to play alongside me, i'm not an option.

However, it recently occurred me that this might very well be a good thing. In my experience, couples that don't want to play separately often - but of course not always! - have underlying unresolved issues around insecurity, jealousy and envy. i first started swinging in 2000, and have been in poly relationships since 2003; during that time, i've had to work through a lot of my own difficulties around those issues, often only with much effort. Consequently, i now deeply wish to avoid getting myself embroiled in others' relationship dramas, or becoming the effective cause of such dramas. i've done the hard work - now it's time for me to just enjoy the fruits of my labours. :-)



1. Something i've learnt since transitioning is that when people say they're looking to play with women, they often actually mean they're looking to play with pussy. Oh for the day when people feel comfortable saying so directly rather than using "[cis] woman" as a circumlocution!

my 2 cents

Date: 2011-06-02 15:25 (UTC)
From: [personal profile] valancy
interesting you should mention this.

when I got together with my SO last year, we were both committed to having a polyamorous relationship. I'm not saying we aren't now, but we recently had a good experience swinging with another couple, and now he's suggesting we stick more with swinging instead. That way nobody ends up feeling left out (usually him, since he has a tougher time finding playmates than I do) and there's none of that awkward "you have to make sure you aren't home when I bring my date over" kind of thing, either.

I am still meeting men - for one thing, I already had some dates arranged when we started talking about this. And I expect if he quits cruising the swingers site and starts cruising the regular online personals again, he could set up a date with a woman. But he and I have something special between us, and sex with others [however great the sex may be] is always lacking that certain something, so the experience is diminished somehow. If we're together, then it's not lacking.

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