Friendship
2007-04-07 11:28![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flexibeastAt the risk of sounding twee / Hallmark, here are some of my beliefs about what, in general, constitutes friendship:
Friends ask how you're doing, and the question isn't rhetorical. And they'll do so regardless of what's going on in their own life; they won't let the conversation go for a considerable length of time without doing so.
Friends want to know about your life experiences. They want to know what makes you tick. Friends take at least a basic interest in your passions, not necessarily because they're interested in those passions themselves, but because they're the things you are passionate about.
Friends make an effort to keep in contact with you, even if it's simply a quick, 30-seconds-to-type email saying "How are things?" Someone who never initiates contact with you is not a friend. And a friend doesn't only contact you when they've got some drama in their life and they want your support.
Friends don't treat you with condescension. They don't assume that because they're older, they are therefore more knowledgeable and/or mature than you in all respects.
Friends are honest with you. They don't lie to you, whether with the intent to manipulate you or not. And that includes lying by omission.
Fundamentally, friends respect you, treating you not as an object that can be used at will, but as a person with real feelings and life experiences.
For me personally, i would also add:
My friends understand that i'm an introvert, not an extrovert. (They also understand that i use these terms in their technical senses, not the lay senses of 'shy' and 'outgoing', respectively.) Consequently, they understand that getting to know me involves reading my journal.
My friends respect my limitations, and work with them. They don't propose get-togethers that are difficult for me to attend, or that would be uncomfortable for me if i were to attend, and then assume that my non-attendance 'obviously' demonstrates a lack of commitment to the friendship.
Fundamentally, my friends respect me: They respect my gender and sexual identities, they respect my feelings and knowledge and life experiences, they respect my sense of ethics.
True friends are rare. But when you find them, it's wonderful. :-)
Friends ask how you're doing, and the question isn't rhetorical. And they'll do so regardless of what's going on in their own life; they won't let the conversation go for a considerable length of time without doing so.
Friends want to know about your life experiences. They want to know what makes you tick. Friends take at least a basic interest in your passions, not necessarily because they're interested in those passions themselves, but because they're the things you are passionate about.
Friends make an effort to keep in contact with you, even if it's simply a quick, 30-seconds-to-type email saying "How are things?" Someone who never initiates contact with you is not a friend. And a friend doesn't only contact you when they've got some drama in their life and they want your support.
Friends don't treat you with condescension. They don't assume that because they're older, they are therefore more knowledgeable and/or mature than you in all respects.
Friends are honest with you. They don't lie to you, whether with the intent to manipulate you or not. And that includes lying by omission.
Fundamentally, friends respect you, treating you not as an object that can be used at will, but as a person with real feelings and life experiences.
For me personally, i would also add:
My friends understand that i'm an introvert, not an extrovert. (They also understand that i use these terms in their technical senses, not the lay senses of 'shy' and 'outgoing', respectively.) Consequently, they understand that getting to know me involves reading my journal.
My friends respect my limitations, and work with them. They don't propose get-togethers that are difficult for me to attend, or that would be uncomfortable for me if i were to attend, and then assume that my non-attendance 'obviously' demonstrates a lack of commitment to the friendship.
Fundamentally, my friends respect me: They respect my gender and sexual identities, they respect my feelings and knowledge and life experiences, they respect my sense of ethics.
True friends are rare. But when you find them, it's wonderful. :-)
no subject
Date: 2007-04-07 04:56 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-07 05:42 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-07 07:34 (UTC)So I just end up feeling like I fail.
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Date: 2007-04-07 09:59 (UTC)Re. putting your foot in it: it's a rare person who doesn't do so on occasion. But the wider context needs to be taken into consideration; and so, for example, i have no problem with someone who occasionally uses the wrong pronouns to refer to me, but is clearly trying their best.
Fwiw, i don't feel you fail as a friend - and i get the impression that there are many people around you who feel the same way. :-)
no subject
Date: 2007-04-07 15:30 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-08 09:14 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-08 12:58 (UTC)Incidentally, I've been curious about that. I seem to have mislaid the memo.
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Date: 2007-04-08 13:05 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-08 23:06 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-09 13:01 (UTC)Well, i'm pretty much fine with anything except the standard male pronouns; technically, of course, i should be fine with them since i identify as both female and male, but then there's that ongoing issue of people reading me as a cis male, and me trying to avoid that where possible . . . .
So: "she/her", "zie/hir", "ey/eir" are all fine.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:37 (UTC)