A bad place

[flexibeast]

i'm not in a good place at the moment. i've been feeling increasingly CFSy, and on top of that, i've been feeling more depressed each day. i'm having to spend an increasing amount of time and energy pushing away negative thoughts (e.g. about wanting to stab myself in the throat). My mind actually used to be dominated by such thoughts; but since i've been on medication, this has been much less of an issue. So the current situation is, in a way, particularly disturbing, because it's like i'm consciously watching one part of my mind gradually taking over the rest of my mind. And i'm not sure how to deal with it. Sure, i could try to once again start seeing, on a regular basis, the excellent psych i saw as part of the process of getting on female hormones; but that would probably only be for an hour per fortnight, and how am i going to cope in the meantime?

One thing that does seem to help a little is mathematics. i've recently started reading Topology without Tears, which has been keeping me entertained and my thoughts on things other than, say, self-mutilation (which i'm still very much attracted to). i'm not exactly sure why i'm interested in topology¹ in particular; it's just tended to 'grab' me more than things like group theory and statistics (even though i really need to relearn the statistics i learnt in high school, so that i can better interpret, for example, articles which appear in the Journal of Sex Research). In any event, though it sounds a bit odd to say it, it's giving my mind a bit of a rest.

---

1. More specifically, point set topology, rather than algebraic topology.

Comments

[velitu.livejournal.com]

ouch! that can't be easy... :(

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Well, some days are easier than others, of course. Over time, i'm gradually learning management techniques, which sometimes seem to be useful to other people as well. :-)