Opening up
2006-05-01 12:28![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flexibeastWhat follows is a very personal post. It may seem no big deal - either in content or in the fact that it's appearing in my LJ - but i assure you that it is a big deal for me. i apologise for any disjointedness; this is stuff that's been swirling around my head for a long time now, and this is the first time i've tried to lay it out in some sort of organised fashion. i also suspect that this entry won't end up saying everything i want to say, and that i'll end up writing a further LJ entry at some point to clarify, elaborate and/or expand on various points.
Over the years, i feel i've been treated very badly by a number of people. i feel that these people have taken advantage of my sense of ethics (including, amongst other things, my respect for the privacy of others and my belief in admitting to, and apologising for, mistakes) and used them against me. i know of various tales about me that have been spread around the traps that are, not to put too fine a point on it, bald-faced lies. Unfortunately, since the only way i can see of disproving such things is to violate the privacy of those apparently spreading said tales, i feel powerless to rectify the situation. i know things about people and events in various communities that could, if that information were made public, cause a lot of problems in those communities. Unfortunately, since i'm aware of this probable outcome, and the probability that a lot of innocent bystanders would end up as 'collateral damage' (so to speak), and because i want to supoprt, not hurt, the communities in question, i have to keep this knowledge to myself. And then there's the combination of these two things: so-called 'leaders' of various communities misrepresenting me and my motives and my behaviour and thus damaging my standing in those communities in a way that i feel i can't address without violating my sense of ethics. (i'm also keenly aware that people have a tendency to see an act of accusation about a person as being a statement of fact about that person, with the result that any attempts on my part to challenge the accusation may be regarded as a case of "the lady doth protest too much.") It's an interesting phenomenon, and one that those closest to me will confirm, having observed it themselves, that the people who are threatened by me - sometimes enough to start spreading falsities about me and what i've said or done - are those who are undeservedly in a position of power: 'undeservedly' in the sense that they are are interested merely in "power-over", or who are bluffing about the true extent of their knowledge and capabilities, or who disregard the responsibilities that come with their position and who instead are using the position for their own selfish gain.
Due to all the above, i have a lot of resentment inside me. One of the reasons i was initially so reticent about actively keeping an LJ was because i was afraid, on the basis of my mental state at the time, that i would be unable to resist using my LJ as a platform for destructively sharing in public all that i know and feel. Clearly, that concern lessened sufficiently over time to allow me to feel comfortable about starting to actually post to my LJ. But that resentment is nevertheless still there, because i have to deal with the consequences of all the above every day. And that resentment about people telling untruths regarding me neatly dovetails with my resentment at the world for not believing that i really am ill, that i really do have quite severe limitations on what i can and can't do. Unfortunately, this occasionally results in this huge ball of fiery resentment occasionally spitting out a flame which burns someone who doesn't at all deserve it, but who just happened to be in the vicinity when it occurred - a la my flaming of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
velitu yesterday.
It seems to me that my ethics allow people to destroy me and my reputation at no apparent personal cost to themselves. And yet, i couldn't live with myself if i didn't make a concerted effort to behave ethically. So i feel i'm in a no-win situation.
Over the years, i feel i've been treated very badly by a number of people. i feel that these people have taken advantage of my sense of ethics (including, amongst other things, my respect for the privacy of others and my belief in admitting to, and apologising for, mistakes) and used them against me. i know of various tales about me that have been spread around the traps that are, not to put too fine a point on it, bald-faced lies. Unfortunately, since the only way i can see of disproving such things is to violate the privacy of those apparently spreading said tales, i feel powerless to rectify the situation. i know things about people and events in various communities that could, if that information were made public, cause a lot of problems in those communities. Unfortunately, since i'm aware of this probable outcome, and the probability that a lot of innocent bystanders would end up as 'collateral damage' (so to speak), and because i want to supoprt, not hurt, the communities in question, i have to keep this knowledge to myself. And then there's the combination of these two things: so-called 'leaders' of various communities misrepresenting me and my motives and my behaviour and thus damaging my standing in those communities in a way that i feel i can't address without violating my sense of ethics. (i'm also keenly aware that people have a tendency to see an act of accusation about a person as being a statement of fact about that person, with the result that any attempts on my part to challenge the accusation may be regarded as a case of "the lady doth protest too much.") It's an interesting phenomenon, and one that those closest to me will confirm, having observed it themselves, that the people who are threatened by me - sometimes enough to start spreading falsities about me and what i've said or done - are those who are undeservedly in a position of power: 'undeservedly' in the sense that they are are interested merely in "power-over", or who are bluffing about the true extent of their knowledge and capabilities, or who disregard the responsibilities that come with their position and who instead are using the position for their own selfish gain.
Due to all the above, i have a lot of resentment inside me. One of the reasons i was initially so reticent about actively keeping an LJ was because i was afraid, on the basis of my mental state at the time, that i would be unable to resist using my LJ as a platform for destructively sharing in public all that i know and feel. Clearly, that concern lessened sufficiently over time to allow me to feel comfortable about starting to actually post to my LJ. But that resentment is nevertheless still there, because i have to deal with the consequences of all the above every day. And that resentment about people telling untruths regarding me neatly dovetails with my resentment at the world for not believing that i really am ill, that i really do have quite severe limitations on what i can and can't do. Unfortunately, this occasionally results in this huge ball of fiery resentment occasionally spitting out a flame which burns someone who doesn't at all deserve it, but who just happened to be in the vicinity when it occurred - a la my flaming of
velitu yesterday.It seems to me that my ethics allow people to destroy me and my reputation at no apparent personal cost to themselves. And yet, i couldn't live with myself if i didn't make a concerted effort to behave ethically. So i feel i'm in a no-win situation.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-01 15:18 (UTC)But I know how very difficult this can be (zie said, zie said, blah blah blah). In the end hon, the people who are worthy of you will stick with you. The people who are unsure, will, if you continue to be the wonderful person you are, eventually, make the right choice. It does feel like no-win, but you do have wonderful friends who know you and love you.
I, for one, would love one day, to nip over east and actually meet you. Sorry it's so hard. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2006-05-02 07:53 (UTC)Hmm. Even so, i would still find doing that really difficult. And also, the problem is that it could have negative consequences for the person who told me what the rumourmonger said - the rumourmonger may then start working their nastiness on my 'informant', and i don't want to cause hassles for other people.
Would love to meet you someday too! If you are ever in Melbourne, please let us know . . . .
Thanks. :-)