Cutting

[flexibeast]

i'm one of those people sometimes referred to as a "cutter" - more graphically, as a self-mutilator.

i don't do it anywhere near as much as i used to. i believe this is because i've taken steps to reduce my exposure to things that frustrate me.

Which leads me to what i believe to be ultimate source of why i feel the need to cut myself: it's about lack of power. It's about me feeling that i have no avenue of recourse when other people's behaviour affects me adversely. Example: being interviewed for IT jobs by people who think that "JavaScript" is "Java Lite", and have no idea how to assess my knowledge of Perl - and go on to not regard me as suitable for various IT positions. Another example: being blown off by medical 'professionals' who dismiss my physical health issues as being purely psychological, or who regard my claim of being trans as a mental illness - and go on to regard me as being perfectly ready to attend full-time work, or more in need of treatment to 'correct' my trans 'delusions' (i.e. push me back into society's "official" sex/gender dichotomies) than of treatment for my depression and/or OCD.

i doubt whether these behaviours had any significant impact on the lives of those engaging in them; and yet they have often had a significant adverse impact on my own life. This asymmetry of consequences has frustrated and angered me. Over time, this continued asymmetry, presenting itself over and over again, resulted in my frustration and anger building up to scary proportions.

How to handle this? i tried taking these emotions out on my pillow; but due to my physical limitations, physical exhaustion sets in long before emotional exhaustion does. Taking it out on others was never a conscious option; but unfortunately, the immense pressure built up inside of me used to regularly manifest in me raging around the house, which of course had a strongly negative impact on those i love. And although i know i should feel otherwise, i never found much comfort in the notion that threefold return or karma or whatever might possibly come back to bite them.

And then there's cutting.

Cutting allow(s/ed) me to satisfactorily express my emotions without physically hurting anyone else. The physical pain distracts me from my emotional pain. And over time, i realised that i regard the resulting physical scars as an external representation on my internal emotional pain. (i have also wondered whether it doesn't represent some sort of attempt to reclaim control over my own body from those - workplaces, health 'professionals' - who seek to direct it.)

As i said above, i don't do it anywhere as near as often as i used to; the last time i felt compelled to carry through on a need to cut was several months ago. i believe this is a result of three things:

• naked_wrat finding work and being willing to support me financially. This has removed the continual harrassment by government agencies demanding that i prove to the satisfaction of numerous people that i really am too ill to meet the demands of most employment structures.


• i have consciously and repeatedly withdrawn myself from situations which have a negative impact on my psyche. For example: i'm not an extrovert, and i don't feel comfortable engaging in the sort of behaviours that extroverts find perfectly natural; nor do i suffer arrogant fools gladly.


• More generally, i have made a conscious effort to observe my emotions and reactions, and learn the internal signs of emotions about to spin out of control.

i don't regret engaging in cutting. i've repeatedly been in places where i was barely able to think rationally, where those closest to me weren't able to help me, and i was desperately looking for the outside world to give me options - and they just weren't there. (In fact, i was increasingly isolated.) So i would much rather hurt myself, and severely, before physically harming anyone else.