Cutting

[flexibeast]

i'm one of those people sometimes referred to as a "cutter" - more graphically, as a self-mutilator.

i don't do it anywhere near as much as i used to. i believe this is because i've taken steps to reduce my exposure to things that frustrate me.

Which leads me to what i believe to be ultimate source of why i feel the need to cut myself: it's about lack of power. It's about me feeling that i have no avenue of recourse when other people's behaviour affects me adversely. Example: being interviewed for IT jobs by people who think that "JavaScript" is "Java Lite", and have no idea how to assess my knowledge of Perl - and go on to not regard me as suitable for various IT positions. Another example: being blown off by medical 'professionals' who dismiss my physical health issues as being purely psychological, or who regard my claim of being trans as a mental illness - and go on to regard me as being perfectly ready to attend full-time work, or more in need of treatment to 'correct' my trans 'delusions' (i.e. push me back into society's "official" sex/gender dichotomies) than of treatment for my depression and/or OCD.

i doubt whether these behaviours had any significant impact on the lives of those engaging in them; and yet they have often had a significant adverse impact on my own life. This asymmetry of consequences has frustrated and angered me. Over time, this continued asymmetry, presenting itself over and over again, resulted in my frustration and anger building up to scary proportions.

How to handle this? i tried taking these emotions out on my pillow; but due to my physical limitations, physical exhaustion sets in long before emotional exhaustion does. Taking it out on others was never a conscious option; but unfortunately, the immense pressure built up inside of me used to regularly manifest in me raging around the house, which of course had a strongly negative impact on those i love. And although i know i should feel otherwise, i never found much comfort in the notion that threefold return or karma or whatever might possibly come back to bite them.

And then there's cutting.

Cutting allow(s/ed) me to satisfactorily express my emotions without physically hurting anyone else. The physical pain distracts me from my emotional pain. And over time, i realised that i regard the resulting physical scars as an external representation on my internal emotional pain. (i have also wondered whether it doesn't represent some sort of attempt to reclaim control over my own body from those - workplaces, health 'professionals' - who seek to direct it.)

As i said above, i don't do it anywhere as near as often as i used to; the last time i felt compelled to carry through on a need to cut was several months ago. i believe this is a result of three things:

• naked_wrat finding work and being willing to support me financially. This has removed the continual harrassment by government agencies demanding that i prove to the satisfaction of numerous people that i really am too ill to meet the demands of most employment structures.


• i have consciously and repeatedly withdrawn myself from situations which have a negative impact on my psyche. For example: i'm not an extrovert, and i don't feel comfortable engaging in the sort of behaviours that extroverts find perfectly natural; nor do i suffer arrogant fools gladly.


• More generally, i have made a conscious effort to observe my emotions and reactions, and learn the internal signs of emotions about to spin out of control.

i don't regret engaging in cutting. i've repeatedly been in places where i was barely able to think rationally, where those closest to me weren't able to help me, and i was desperately looking for the outside world to give me options - and they just weren't there. (In fact, i was increasingly isolated.) So i would much rather hurt myself, and severely, before physically harming anyone else.
 

Comments

[trinityva.livejournal.com]

Hi! I didn't realize you'd friended me... apologies if you've had me on for months or something :)

I'm often mystified by the hellaciously negative response to cutting/cutters. While I don't feel it's a totally healthy coping device, I think a coping device is what it is... and we've all got them, and quite a few of us have less than healthy ones. I don't see where the utter freakouts about cutting come from. I think people would probably feel far less compelled to do it often and do a lot of damage if the general attitude were more like "That's not the best thing for you, but totally freaking out about you trying to cope with something will just make it worse... is there some way we can help you so you don't feel such a need to do that?"

[happyevilslosh.livejournal.com]

IMHO it's because there are two types of cutters: those that do it because they have problems and that's how they deal with it and those that do it for attention. I tend to give people I don't know very well very little of my time when they tell me they are cutters for pretty much that reason (the latter).

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

*nod* Sadly, some people just dump all of us into the latter category, without looking into the matter in detail. Speaking for myself, if i wanted attention . . . . well, i know how to troll, and i have an Internet connection. ;-)

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize you'd friended me... apologies if you've had me on for months or something :)

Heh, that's okay . . . . i saw on your profile that you don't mind people friending you, but also don't necessarily automatically friend people back when they do so (an approach i share).

i really enjoy reading your posts and comments: even when i'm not sure i agree with them (or aspects of them), they still force me to think, and i love that. :-)

While I don't feel it's a totally healthy coping device, I think a coping device is what it is... and we've all got them, and quite a few of us have less than healthy ones.

*nod* It's definitely a coping device for me. And i certainly don't think it's the best option; as i said, it's something i turn to when i feel other options aren't available. But yes, the reaction to it can be so strong that people end up getting more focused on the symptom (i.e. cutting) than the cause - which, in the end, just makes me feel even more stressed and more inclined to cut. :-P

[naked-wrat.livejournal.com]

I'm happy that you feel that the pressure is taken off you somewhat by me looking after you financially. You're a beautiful flower that deserves lotsa love and care so that you grow in more positive ways. *passionate huggles and kisses*

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you so much beautiful! *returns passionate hugs and kisses*

[cheshire-bitten.livejournal.com]

I used to cut. I still think it is a healthly coping device for a lot of people, I stopped because it bothered the people around me to much, I think so of the coping devices I use now are worse but they don't hurt the people around me.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Yes, the psychological hurt it can (and often does) cause to those around us is something that i've had to deal with too. It makes me feel torn, because i certainly don't want to be doing my loved ones' heads in, but on the other hand, not cutting could create an even more unpleasant situation (for myself and my loved ones both). So i'm glad that, over time, like you, i've found other ways of managing my emotions, such that my need to cut has been greatly reduced.

[candika.livejournal.com]

Thankyou so much for posting this. I didn't understand but I think I may have learned something important.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! Thanks for taking the time to read it. :-) i imagine that my feelings about cutting are not necessarily shared by other cutters, but at least i can provide a datapoint . . . .

[candika.livejournal.com]

You've explained some what I considered to be bizzare thoughts and feelings that I experiece myself when my depression and my CFS colide. I never talked about them because I felt ashamed of them. Now maybe I will.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Wow.

If you want to chat about it via email, feel free to drop me a line. *hugs*

[candika.livejournal.com]

I'm not quite ready to do that yet but I may take you up on the offer when I am.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

*nod* Fair enough. :-)

[susiebeeca.livejournal.com]

Most of the time when I self-harm, it's as if I'm creating a visual of the "bad stuff" coming out of my body. This thought process dates back as far as I can remember---as a young kid, I would imagine drilling a hole in my skull and letting the pain steam out in clouds of red and yellow smoke. The "bad stuff" needs an exit. Does that make any sense?

Also, congrats for having the courage to talk about this :)

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Does that make any sense?

Definitely!

If i may ask, do you do it in any particular location on your body?

Also, congrats for having the courage to talk about this :)

Thanks, and likewise. :-)

[susiebeeca.livejournal.com]

I do it either by skin-cutting (to release bloodflow) or, much less often, by induced vomiting. I don't do the latter for weight control, so I see it as a self-injury symptom and not one of an Eating Disorder.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Interesting . . . . i've not read about or heard of induced vomiting in the context of self-injury before. Is it under-reported, do you think?

[susiebeeca.livejournal.com]

Probably---I've never heard of it either being referred to as SI or being included in the lists of examples of SI behaviours. I bet it's often misdiagnosed as bulimia.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

*nod* Yes, it might be a case of "It has webbed feet, so it's a duck" . . . .