Causes

[flexibeast]

When i was 8 years old, my family moved to rural Victoria. And not to a regional centre, but to a hobby farm a couple of kilometres outside the local village/hamlet, which itself was ~25km from the nearest town, and its population of less than 10,000. i lived there until i finished high school and moved to Canberra to go to uni.

It was not a pleasant experience.

i wasn't 'masculine' enough, i was not interested enough in sport and the outdoors in general, i was too much of a book-reading nerd. i was constantly made fun of, picked on, insulted, harrassed and generally marginalised. By the time i started high school, i had what now appears to have been a nervous breakdown: i woke up crying, i continued crying on the once-a-day bus into school, i cried before i went to sleep at night. My parents took me to a doctor, who apparently concluded that there was nothing wrong with me, because my health was not examined any further, and my parents began telling me to basically STFU when i was crying.

Over the last several years, i've often speculated about how this experience might have affected me mentally. And yesterday i came across research which suggests that at least some of my speculations may well be correct: my depression, my OCD, my paranoia¹, my negative feelings about myself (including in relation to others), my lack of coping strategies, and so on, might have their origins in the portion of my childhood spent in rural Victoria. Which is strangely satisfying, even if it won't substantially change the strategies i've put in place for managing and working on the mental health issues in question. i guess it comes down to feeling that my mental state is not necessarily about me being a jerk, but may have been caused by the external pressures placed on a vulnerable mind.

---

1. i've often been accused of this; and it's certainly true that several years ago, i was seriously, irrationally, paranoid. But in more recent times, it's been suggested that i'm paranoid in my 'imagining' what people were saying about me; yet in the progress of time, i've had people confirm that certain people were trash-talking me, as i suspected. So although it's true that i am occasionally being paranoid, it also seems to be true (as naked_wrat and sacred_harlot will confirm) that more often than not i'm making an accurate appraisal of people's behaviour.
 

Comments

[superbbluewren.livejournal.com]

Not to make fun of the very serious point you are making, a friend of mine used to say "just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you!"

I can well imagine that your experience had a significant lingering impact on you. My children seem so much more secure than I am but they have grown up in a much friendlier area than the fringe of suburbia where I grew up. My experience growing up there was probably not as bad as your rural experience but it was certainly not fun.

[cheshire-bitten.livejournal.com]

I hated the country, I still do, I am sometimes tempted to suggest that children shouldn't be raised there, I don't believe it, but god it's tempting sometimes. I am pretty sure most(all) of my problems stem from the country my upbringing, as well as a lot of my learning issues, which where not picked up or treated because of a lack of trained people.

[indigo1.livejournal.com]

given what i know of social behaviour in rural victoria, i can't say i'm surprised. growing up in some locales would be enough to break anyone.

but hey, you made it out alive, and those poor sods who harassed you are probably still stuck out there...

[penguinpusher.livejournal.com]

Not that it's any consolation but I was verging on suicidal between years 7 and 10 in posh north shore sydney. Doesn't matter where, if you are weird you get picked on. I AM glad I didn't grow up in the country still though, and I did find one person as strange as I am, and am still friends with her.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Yes, i've often kept that quote in mind myself. :-) i like to say that nowadays, i just have the healthy paranoia of the sysadmin. :-)

Re. your own experience - yes, i imagine it wouldn't have *cough* been particularly pleasant. Do you feel it's had any substantial impact on your own mental health?

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

*sad nod, hugs* i very much get the impression that people like ourselves, who fall "too far" towards either end of a variety of bell curves, are considered to not be worth resources in the way that those who aren't too far "off centre" are. In other words, we're not acceptable inputs for the mass production of "good citizens". Thank goodness. :-)

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Well, my parents have given me the goss on what's been happening in the lives of various of my former peers; and, unsurprisingly, some of them are still out there, and some have moved out. But in any case, i'm now much happier here and now than i was there and then, and i'm very grateful for that. :-)

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Not that it's any consolation but I was verging on suicidal between years 7 and 10 in posh north shore sydney.

:-(( Very sorry to hear that.

Doesn't matter where, if you are weird you get picked on.

This is true. i guess i just compare my experiences in rural Victoria with my experiences of going to primary school in a suburb on the outskirts of Melbourne. Sure, in the latter situation, i got bullied and harrassed by both peers and seniors; but at least i also had peers who respected and supported me, in a way that i don't really feel i had in rural Victoria.

I did find one person as strange as I am, and am still friends with her.

Cool. :-)

[winterkoninkje.livejournal.com]

my depression, my OCD, my paranoia, my negative feelings about myself[...]

Y'know, taken all together that sounds a lot like PTSD, which would be consistent with the situation you described. Maybe not depending on the details —I hope it's not, cuz that shit's the sort that never entirely goes away, so many many hugs if it is— but it might be something to look into. Personally I find it heartening to find out when sundry 'unrelated' issues of mine turn out to have a singular cause, makes things easier somehow. (If the depression or OCD are particularly bad they may warrant their own diagnosis too.)

Like penguinpusher said, it doesn't matter where you are, though it can be easier for outcasts in more urban settings (since there's more around, there's more chance for acceptance somewhere or other).

As for your link, I'm dumbfounded that noone's shown that before. I always took it to be self-evident. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've seen proof (or "proof" given the nature of the offense) of it before... . In any case, verbal, physical, or sexual, abuse is abuse. I've often found that us crazies tend to get into abuse olympics (or label olympics, or prescription olympics) much like minorities get into oppression olympics. And much the same, the more of it you see around, the more matters of degree are unimportant, the more we just need to find some way to make it stop.

[winterkoninkje.livejournal.com]

<actually reads the link> Heh, they mention PTSD too...

[porcineflight.livejournal.com]

Of course. This is what passes for social policy in remote areas. If your kid has a disability, if you have particular health issues, and youlive too far away from a support service or hospital etc, don't expect it to come to you, you have to move to it.

An alternative to the above quote is not whether you are paranoid, but whether you are overly paranoid.

I don't think it is being overly paranoid to suggest anyone with "special needs", falling too far either side of the bell curve, should (to bastardise Ben Elton) "fuck off to the city where people like that are tolerated"

[porcineflight.livejournal.com]

That is also a really interesting article. I have just forwarded that around to a few people.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Y'know, taken all together that sounds a lot like PTSD

Yeah, i considered whether i might be suffering from PTSD; but when i did some research on it, i felt i didn't really meet all the necessary criteria, so i didn't look into it any further.

I've often found that us crazies tend to get into abuse olympics (or label olympics, or prescription olympics) much like minorities get into oppression olympics.

Heh, well, i've always tried to avoid participating in such things, because ifeel experience is subjective enough that the same objective event can have substantially different influences on different people . . . . just because an event was "no big deal" to one person, doesn't mean it wasn't a huge deal to someone else.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Cool. :-)

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Er, sorry, i don't think i understand that last sentence . . . . ?

[porcineflight.livejournal.com]

Sorry, quote is from Stark where the townsfolk are debating the name of what to call a place that ends up being called Shark Bay, but one of the townsfolk suggests it be called "Bay of the Bitten Jim" and he is told to fuck off to Sydney where his kind were tolerated....

Anyway, my somewhat ambiguous comment was to agree that people who don't fit in with everyone else are sometimes made to feel unwelcome in remote areas. Either overtly or covertly, such people often feel that they should "fuck off to the city".

In queer circles, that is why so many people move to Sydney instead of sticking it out in their home towns.

However there are often a few people who go "fuck it - I should be allowed to be here as much as anyone else, this is my home" and they make a go of it being out, sometimes with success.

It often isn't easy, and there is more chance in regional centres than hamlets like you mentioned.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Ah, i see now. For myself, i wouldn't have stayed even if i had felt more welcome, because it was still too isolated for my liking, and without being compensated by the sort of surroundings i find attractive. Unlike Dorothea McKellar, i prefer lush greenery, not the bush. Yet another reason i'm unAustralian. ;-)

[susiebeeca.livejournal.com]

No wonder a good deal of my childhood was spent wondering when the other non-human creatures were going to realize the nurse switched the bassinets and come take me home.

[sl-carmichael.livejournal.com]

I'm gonna say one thing. This can't be a new study. The doctor I was going to 15 years ago told me the same thing. *blinks* Verbal abuse is on par with physical abuse. And even more depends on the individual themselves. One person after 15 years of being beaten, might be more easily treated, and another individual can be more badly damaged mentally by 15 years of living with a verbally abusive, control freak. And a third may be even more damaged by what another would consider not as severe verbal abuse. A fourth after a few years of physical abuse may end up having to be hospitalized.

It has a great deal to do with the individual's mind. That's already been proven as far as I know.

[superbbluewren.livejournal.com]

As a belated answer to your question, my childhood was very isolated, and I think that that has had an impact on my mental health. I used to put that isolation down to my father's alcoholism, but it may have been also due to the sense that I was 'different'. It is hard to say. It seems like a long time ago (because it was!). My wife maintains that I have always suffered from depression. I am probably more mentally healthy now than ever I was because I am finally 'me'.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear you had such a difficult childhood. :-(( *hugs* But i'm glad to hear your mental health is the best it's been because you're finally getting to be 'you' - i know just what you mean. :-D

[superbbluewren.livejournal.com]

It was isolated but not really that difficult. It could have been better in retrospect. Many have had worse, including yourself from what you said. I was isolated, but I am basically very self-sufficient. However, the contrast with now is very sharp. It's only in the last couple of years that I have learnt what 'fun' is! :-D