Causes

[flexibeast]

When i was 8 years old, my family moved to rural Victoria. And not to a regional centre, but to a hobby farm a couple of kilometres outside the local village/hamlet, which itself was ~25km from the nearest town, and its population of less than 10,000. i lived there until i finished high school and moved to Canberra to go to uni.

It was not a pleasant experience.

i wasn't 'masculine' enough, i was not interested enough in sport and the outdoors in general, i was too much of a book-reading nerd. i was constantly made fun of, picked on, insulted, harrassed and generally marginalised. By the time i started high school, i had what now appears to have been a nervous breakdown: i woke up crying, i continued crying on the once-a-day bus into school, i cried before i went to sleep at night. My parents took me to a doctor, who apparently concluded that there was nothing wrong with me, because my health was not examined any further, and my parents began telling me to basically STFU when i was crying.

Over the last several years, i've often speculated about how this experience might have affected me mentally. And yesterday i came across research which suggests that at least some of my speculations may well be correct: my depression, my OCD, my paranoia¹, my negative feelings about myself (including in relation to others), my lack of coping strategies, and so on, might have their origins in the portion of my childhood spent in rural Victoria. Which is strangely satisfying, even if it won't substantially change the strategies i've put in place for managing and working on the mental health issues in question. i guess it comes down to feeling that my mental state is not necessarily about me being a jerk, but may have been caused by the external pressures placed on a vulnerable mind.

---

1. i've often been accused of this; and it's certainly true that several years ago, i was seriously, irrationally, paranoid. But in more recent times, it's been suggested that i'm paranoid in my 'imagining' what people were saying about me; yet in the progress of time, i've had people confirm that certain people were trash-talking me, as i suspected. So although it's true that i am occasionally being paranoid, it also seems to be true (as naked_wrat and sacred_harlot will confirm) that more often than not i'm making an accurate appraisal of people's behaviour.
 

Comments

[superbbluewren.livejournal.com]

Not to make fun of the very serious point you are making, a friend of mine used to say "just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you!"

I can well imagine that your experience had a significant lingering impact on you. My children seem so much more secure than I am but they have grown up in a much friendlier area than the fringe of suburbia where I grew up. My experience growing up there was probably not as bad as your rural experience but it was certainly not fun.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Yes, i've often kept that quote in mind myself. :-) i like to say that nowadays, i just have the healthy paranoia of the sysadmin. :-)

Re. your own experience - yes, i imagine it wouldn't have *cough* been particularly pleasant. Do you feel it's had any substantial impact on your own mental health?

[superbbluewren.livejournal.com]

As a belated answer to your question, my childhood was very isolated, and I think that that has had an impact on my mental health. I used to put that isolation down to my father's alcoholism, but it may have been also due to the sense that I was 'different'. It is hard to say. It seems like a long time ago (because it was!). My wife maintains that I have always suffered from depression. I am probably more mentally healthy now than ever I was because I am finally 'me'.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear you had such a difficult childhood. :-(( *hugs* But i'm glad to hear your mental health is the best it's been because you're finally getting to be 'you' - i know just what you mean. :-D

[superbbluewren.livejournal.com]

It was isolated but not really that difficult. It could have been better in retrospect. Many have had worse, including yourself from what you said. I was isolated, but I am basically very self-sufficient. However, the contrast with now is very sharp. It's only in the last couple of years that I have learnt what 'fun' is! :-D