Grrr!

[flexibeast]

So. i'm 'merely' a transvestite, because i'm not transsexual? How does that work? How many born-male 'transvestites' go on female hormones, grow breasts, and don't get turned on when they wear clothing associated with the 'opposite' gender? How many born-male 'transvestites' feel that their inner self is both 'male' and 'female', but more 'female' than 'male' - so much so that they feel, in general, that they much more in common with women than with men? How many born-male 'transvestites' have been seen by a qualified psychiatrist who seems to have accepted that they are not 'merely' a transvestite?

Why is it so important to you to try to invalidate my identity? Do you think that me identifying as transgendered somehow invalidates your trans identity? If so, how? And on what grounds can you demand that other people accept your trans identity whilst at the same time implying that i don't have the right to demand the same thing? Especially from other trans people, who know what it's like to have people say "You're not really A; you're really B".

i go to great lengths to ensure that non-trans people are taught about the various identities that exist within the trans communities. i explain how being a transvestite is not the same as being transsexual. i explain how i'm not transsexual, even though i am transgendered. i explain how trans and intersex are not the same thing, how 'she-male' is a porn industry invention, and how the word 'hermaphrodite' is a word that's generally not used. i explain how the trans communities are very diverse, and that i should not at all be taken as representative of those communities.

i have to constantly deal with the difficulties involved in being a transgendered person in a dichotomously gendered society. When i am presented with a question that asks me whether i'm male or female, i feel stuck. Being forced to make a choice, i would prefer to check 'female', but that's probably legally incorrect, so i grit my teeth and check 'male' - and it hurts. When someone addresses me as 'Sir', it hurts. When people constantly use male pronouns to refer to me, even after they have been asked to use female pronouns, it hurts. When i'm worried for my personal safety when i go out dressed in 'women's' clothing, it hurts.

But despite all that, what hurts most is watching trans people stab each other in the back, whether i'm the one being stabbed or not. We share a common problem: the problem of living in a dichotomously gendered society which places a strong emphasis on biological determinism and strict rules regarding 'appropriate' gender behaviour. We challenge that. Whether we're transvestites, transsexuals, transgendered, intersex, we challenge that. We need to be supporting each other as we all face these challenges. We need to act in solidarity with one another - to publicly talk about our diversity, whilst at the same time validating each other's identities.

Because if we can't even manage to do that, how can we expect non-trans or -intersex people to do the same? In other words, if we don't, who will?

Comments

[naked-wrat.livejournal.com]

I'm always amazed by people that manage to marginalise people going through similar things to them. It saddens me that people are ripping each other to shreds when they should be working together against common foe.

I'm glad you're one of the people that wants to work with others against common foe even though it seems like others don't want to get on board. Don't change. The world needs more people like you hun *passionate hugs and kisses*

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Thanks love - as always, i really appreciate all the love and support you give me. *returns passionate hugs and kisses*

[otheapathy.livejournal.com]

"Well I am jew but I am not that kind of Jew!"


I am sorry that you have to put up with this kind of shit from people. I am happy to know people like you who decide that gender is not a simple dicontemy, I am genderqueer in my own way and I will stand with you to say that gender is a choice which everyone should have the right to live out as the see fit.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Well said - thanks for your support. :-)

[velitu.livejournal.com]

grrrr! why is it that we experience the most reisistance and attacks from those within our own communities or people who identify closest to us? i know naiyah has had some complete venom directed at hir from other intersexed people for not percieving intersexed as a "condition" to be fixed. or for not choosing to be either male or female. s/he is percieved as less developed or indenial for percieving hirself as both female and male.

so frustrating!

btw, would you mind telling me why "hermaphrodite" is not used? is it because of the history of the word? or because intesexed is an umbrella term that covers so many different variations and hermaphrodite is merely a medical description for one kind. or is it more a trans issue than an intersexed one?

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Yes - i guess other people feel like, "Well, I had to conform, so you have to as well!" :-|

i may be wrong on this, but i have been under the impressino that 'hermaphroditism' is not used to describe intersex people because of the ambiguities (http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/~humm/Topics/Lilith/hermaphrodite.html) involved with the word; and that's just in terms of the technical senses, let alone the lay senses.

i'm happy to be corrected on all of this, of course!

[naiyah.livejournal.com]

as a modern medical term it is incorrect but personally I like the word and I'll continue to use to it describe myself rather than some conformist blanket term that covers a range of 'conditions.'

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

*nod* Fair enough! Duly noted. :-)

[naiyah.livejournal.com]

sorry didn't mean to sound so defensive and hostile lol :)

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Heh, that's okay - i understand. :-)

[otheapathy.livejournal.com]

I had the feeling that "hermaphrodite" was seen as offensive and related to freak and that people preferred intersex so I wouldn't use it but I don't know beyond that.

[naiyah.livejournal.com]

I don't find the word offensive. I try to reclaim it and use it as intersexed can be a little too broad a term.

[pinocchioj.livejournal.com]

ahh the downfall of every trans* "community"... as if there isn't enough gender policing going on from the outside. :(

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

*sad nod*

Still, i'm not going to let it happen without a fight. :-)

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

Because if we can't even manage to do that, how can we expect non-trans or -intersex people to do the same? In other words, if we don't, who will?

I would actually *require* such respect from orientation-queers who wished to be my friend, were I significantly gender-queer. It's a reasonable expectation of Out people, I think.

So there's some of us other queers.

It sucks though.

Non-straight women are hardly wholly accepting of each other, either.

Some women are opposed to feminism.

Let's press on regardless! The heck with nongs, dills and drongoes!

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

*nod* Obviously, i think it's a reasonable expectation too. But yes, unfortunately, such a lack of acceptance is rife amongst the queer communities - have you read The Sorry Tale of an Ex-communicated Lesbian (http://www.pleasureactivism.org/sorry_tale.html)?

But yes, i think pressing on regardless is the only option. :-)

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

Yes, and I've heard this kind of story many times.

I escaped such ignominy by absenting myself first!

The Xtra sorry part is that there are plenty of bi people willing to make nice with lesbians like that, and claim that biphobia doesn't exist.

I've been in usenet flamewars on this issue repeatedly :-/

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Yeah, biphobia doesn't exist, right. Funny how those who discriminate are adamant that discrimination doesn't exist - perhaps that's because they are not the ones on the receiving end of it? :-/

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

Yeah.

And funny how there are those who cry 'internalised homophobia!' whilst showing strong signs of internalised biphobia!

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

No, but you see, that's only a double standard if bisexuality is presumed to actually exist - not if it's merely a manifestation of said 'internalised homophobia'. :-P

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

Oh, these folks know *they* are real, they just defer to the More Queer, or something.

I've seen it claimed that no biphobia exists outside of homphobia, by a bisexual.

Riiight.

I feel like flashing my tits at those who claim bisexuality doesn't exist

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Hey, you know, i reckon bisexuality doesn't actually exist . . . . ;-)

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

Dang! I'll have to get in my tiny liddle car, drive up there, and Bare All!

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

*grin*

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

hehe.

If you don't mind my asking, in which area are you?

HUGS

[xxasimont.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, sounds like what you ran into and what I wrote about a few weeks ago are much the same kind of thing. Sorry you had to deal with that shit, it's totally unfair. Yet the same people who are throwing insults at you are screaming because they aren't shown the kind of 'respect' they want by others-hmm, isn't there something in various philosophical and religious (in the widest senes of that word) beliefs that encourages people to treat others as they would LIKE to be treated?
HUGS
Simon

Re: HUGS

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hugs! And sorry to hear that this is the sort of stuff that you had to deal with recently. :-( *returns hugs* i agree that "do as you would be done by" is good advice, and it saddens me that so many people prefer to live by the motto "Double standards are just fine". :-(

[candika.livejournal.com]

I can't see you as being 'merely' anything! :)

When will people realise that there's more to sexuality that kind of compartmentalised thinking? It's far too complex for that kind of put-them-all-in-little-boxes attitude. People are individuals and it's in the nature of individuals not to be identical to anyone else. The compartments don't actually exist in reality. They're just a construct to help people cope. They can be changed at any time and the world won't end.

And it's really sad that it's your own community that seems to be encouraging that kind of thought.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Re. 'merely' - heh, thanks. :-) The reason i put it the word in quotes is that personally, i don't regard transvestites as being 'merely' thus.

i very much agree with you re. the compartments. i think the reason so many trans people end up behaving this way is that there are immense pressures on us to 'prove' that we are 'really' the gender(s) we believe ourselves to be. So i think many trans people then try to fit gender stereotypes as closely as possible, to minimise their deviation from the so-called 'norms', in an effort to demonstrate that society should them as being a member of the sex they feel themselves to be. If this is so, i can imagine that such trans people would feel compelled to defend those norms, and to have a go at those of us who are transgressing those norms. Because if we transgressors call ourselves trans, then maybe the general public will think that all trans people are a threat to gender norms - which in turn will increase society's hostility towards all trans people, even the ones that are willing to conform in order to reach their goal of congruence of mind and body.

If that's so, then it's quite similar behaviour to that of queer assimilationists, who want all queers to conform to heteronormative white middle-class values so as to reduce the level of threat we are perceived as posing to the general public, and to therefore reduce the level of hostility towards us. Even if i understand the logic, i certainly don't agree with it. But that's another story. :-)

[squire-liz.livejournal.com]

Its despicable that the same people who want to be in everyones face saying "I'm______ accept me as I am", and who in fact are very demanding about it, then are unwilling to give the same courtesy to others. You'd like to think that people on the receiving end of intolerance would be a bit more understanding. *hug* I try open peoples eyes where I can, and spread love and understanding, its just never quite enough.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hugs! *returns hugs* And good on you for trying to spread love and understanding - no, it's never quite enough, but i strongly feel that it's very important to keep trying nonetheless. :-)

[naiyah.livejournal.com]

*sighs* I can totally relate and empathise. I find a react more to the male assumption too and it just hurts. that wounded female me just wants to strike out.

as for the word hermaphrodite: well I responded to that elsewhere in this thread about my preference for it and my attempt to reclaim the term in spite of trying to blur all the lines of physiological gender variances under one convenient box.

as for people... well they just suck :(

*hugs*

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Re. 'hermaphrodite' - yes, fair enough. i sort of feel the term might be applicable to me . . . . Certainly, i'm often asked by people if i'm a hermaphrodite - but i'm never really sure how to respond. Will people then have false images of me in their head? Will i offend a number of trans or intersex people by using that term? Is it a sociopolitically useful term to use? And so, in the end, i tend to go with the relative safety of 'transgendered.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Oh, and thanks for the hugs, of course! *returns hugs*

[bysable.livejournal.com]

Somehow, I get the feeling that there is always going to be something about everybody that will totally be unacceptable by another.

Being a female, bi sexual, who would like to be able to enjoy the male experience, but doesn't want to be permanently male. Do I fit in a box? I don't think so. Eh, never liked boxes anyway. My ideal world would be if I could change my gender to my mood. I don't want to be stuck in some sort of male/female ideal. But I am my own ideal, so it counts for something to me. I exist in no community, and am pretty sure that others would label me however they want. And try to tell me, I am really a lesbian, just not fully out. I'm really a man in a woman's body and should just admit that. I am *insert whatever here* and just denying it. I'd have to say, I think I know what I am, thankyouverymuch, and I don't fit your mold. I don't want to either.

Think as you want, be as you want. And at my age, I've recently learned to appreciate myself for not being a sheep, parroting what everybody else seems to think is acceptable.

Congrats to you as well, for not being a part of the herd. You are your own mold, don't let anybody ever convince you otherwise.

[flexibeast.livejournal.com]

Well said, and thanks. :-)