no subject
2006-03-02 16:05![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flexibeastOkay. i am very angry.
i have a message that i need to scream out to the world:
DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNER AND CALL IT POLYAMORY!
By 'cheat' i here mean "agree to have one relationship style with your partner and then break that agreement - especially on the sly".
This issue has come up a few times in my life recently. Essentially, the scenario is: "i want to have a relationship with someone other than my wife. She hasn't agreed to that, but i'll do it anyway. i'm polyamorous."
Since WHEN has polyamory been simply another word for cheating? The fact is, IT'S NOT.
You know, i've been forced to reconsider my position that polyamory doesn't include the concept of casual sex. i note again that i wholeheartedly endore the concept of casual sex - i just haven't believed that it's part of the concept of polyamory. But someone said something today that made me reconsider that. i'm not entirely convinced, but i'm certainly reconsidering my stance.
i will NOT, however, change my opinion that polyamory involves behaving ETHICALLY and HONESTLY.
And i will continue to get furious at people who help perpetuate the notion that "polyamory is simply cheating" by cheating and then trying to hide their poor behaviour behind the shield of 'polyamory'.
i have a message that i need to scream out to the world:
DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNER AND CALL IT POLYAMORY!
By 'cheat' i here mean "agree to have one relationship style with your partner and then break that agreement - especially on the sly".
This issue has come up a few times in my life recently. Essentially, the scenario is: "i want to have a relationship with someone other than my wife. She hasn't agreed to that, but i'll do it anyway. i'm polyamorous."
Since WHEN has polyamory been simply another word for cheating? The fact is, IT'S NOT.
You know, i've been forced to reconsider my position that polyamory doesn't include the concept of casual sex. i note again that i wholeheartedly endore the concept of casual sex - i just haven't believed that it's part of the concept of polyamory. But someone said something today that made me reconsider that. i'm not entirely convinced, but i'm certainly reconsidering my stance.
i will NOT, however, change my opinion that polyamory involves behaving ETHICALLY and HONESTLY.
And i will continue to get furious at people who help perpetuate the notion that "polyamory is simply cheating" by cheating and then trying to hide their poor behaviour behind the shield of 'polyamory'.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-04 06:44 (UTC)i certainly see your point - the notion of 'identity' has, at least in my experience, become strongly associated with the politics of the "It's not a choice, so leave us alone!" crowd. Personally, i disagree with this strategy, because it basically implies that it's okay to discriminate against those who have chosen their identity.
Now, i've chosen not to eat meat. And to avoid animal products to a great extent, too. That's certainly a choice i've made; i in no way claim that i'm 'naturally' quasi-vegan! But when it comes to being (amongst other things) polyamorous and polysexual - well, i could live in a monogamous relationship, but it would be very uncomfortable for me. Hence, i feel that my choice to be in poly relationships is actually somewhat circumscribed. Further, i don't know how i could choose to not be attracted to various people of various genders. (And when i say 'attracted' i'm not talking about "seeking to have sex and/or develop a relationship"; i'm talking about the "Ooh, i think i like you!" thang.)
What about you? What, if anything determined/determines your choices with regards to your relationship(s)? And are you able to choose to not find someone attractive?
no subject
Date: 2006-03-04 20:46 (UTC)Unofficially, there's the chance I could have an erotic response to anything human that moves, but I do have a type that I find myself gravitating towards, with several other types that catch my eye from time to time. My experiment with bisexuality was a pretty spectacular failure, but that could have just been the guy.
In any event, I'm not sure if that could be a strong preference, or identity. I have a lot of strong preferences, and maybe it would be weird for me to categorize them all as identity. But maybe that's what identity is all about? Creamy peanut butter rather than chunky, and girls rather than boys?
no subject
Date: 2006-03-07 12:29 (UTC)*nod*
Heh, interesting point! "Hi, i'm queer, poly, and a chunkypeanutbutterist". :-)
It does indeed seem that identity is often used as a shorthand way of saying "i have this set of preferences". Not only in the area of human relationships, but also, for example, in terms of spiritual identity: one could say that being 'Christian' means that one prefers Christian teachings/beliefs to other teachings/beliefs. But what about ethnicity as an identity? What 'preference(s)' are involved there, if any?